Parent Talk Today

Setting Healthy Limits

In today’s world, it’s easy for parents to feel competitive and to think they need to parent their children the way “everybody’s doing it,” says family therapist and educator Michael Gurian, author of Nurture The Nature: Understanding and Supporting Your Child’s Unique Core Personality (Jossey-Bass; 2007; $24.95).

But it’s important to understand your child as an individual and to set healthy limits that work for your family, he says. I asked Gurian’s advice on some of today’s common parenting challenges.

Q:    My 3-year-old daughter screams if I don’t buy her candy at the grocery store. How can I get her to stop?

A:    We need to recognize that kids want limits. Before you enter the store, let your child know whether she will be allowed to choose a treat. If it’s a “no-treat day,” and she starts to scream, pick her up, take her to the car and sit with her for a minute or two until she calms down. Then go back to the store. If she starts screaming again, repeat the trip to the car. When we are consistent with how we respond, our children quickly learn that we mean what we say. This helps them learn self-control and feel secure.

Q:     My 5-year-old son hits me when he’s mad. What should I do?

A:    Starting at a young age, children can be taught to understand a simple family rule: “We do not hit animate objects.” That includes pets as well as people. But we all get angry, and it’s OK to express that anger appropriately. Boys, especially, may feel physical and may not be as able to verbalize their feelings as well as girls can at a young age. So they need an outlet. Encourage kids to express their anger by hitting a pillow, whacking the back of the couch with a foam-filled Bataca bat or going outside and shooting hoops. Often it’s easier for them to calmly discuss their feelings after having that physical release.

Q:    Sibling rivalry between my pre-teen daughters is driving me crazy. What can I do?

A:    Of course, we need to draw the line at dangerous or truly hurtful behavior. But often it’s best to let kids work this out on their own. (And it’s OK to tell them to leave the room when they drive you nuts!) Sibling rivalry helps kids learn to deal with the world. It teaches them about themselves and it helps them learn to work with others and solve problems — all skills that will help them later in life.

Q:    My 9-year-old son would play video games day and night if I let him. Where should I draw the line?

A:    Boys’ brains are wired to love competition and to be attracted to objects moving through space. Video games excite the reward center in the brain so much that kids may be unmotivated to do other tasks. It’s up to us to set limits, and the appropriate amount of time depends on the child. How is he functioning in the world? Does he play outside? Does he do well in school? Does he have friends? We need to make sure our kids are developing their bodies and brains in a balanced way.

Mommy, Where Did I Come From?

Thirteen years ago, when I found out I was pregnant with my first child, my thoughts hopscotched from thankfulness to relief to my friends’ less-than-comforting episiotomy tales — finally resting, one night at 2 a.m., on the prospect of a little boy coming home from school with a superhero lunch box and a question: “Where do babies come from?”
 
Today that little boy, Matthew, who was conceived through in vitro fertilization, is a seventh grader and taller than me. He knows where babies come from. He even knows the basics of IVF and acknowledges the fact that his very existence is a miracle of modern medicine with the same less-than-gee-whiz attitude he has about the fact that he can search Google to access the world. To a 12-year-old living in 2008, all this amazing (to his parents, anyway) technology isn’t that, well, amazing.

So it might be time to share more than just “the facts” of my son’s conception with him. Because even though thousands of IVF babies are now born in the U.S. every year, for each family, it’s a different story, each one filled with hope, fear, faith and even (believe me, it’s necessary!) a sense of the ridiculous.

I could describe to Matthew how, upon seeing the blue dot on the cardboard ovulation-prediction card, I danced around the bathroom, surrounded by little cups of urine and bottles of “activator,” celebrating that first tiny step toward motherhood.
 
How, when I told my pharmacist (who had assisted us in our “science project,” ordering ovulation-predictor kits, ovulation-suppression drugs to control my cycle, ovulation-stimulation drugs and more syringes that I care to remember), “I'm pregnant. Thanks for your help!” the other customers in the store snickered just a bit.
 
I could tell him how, even though I appreciated having the option of IVF, a part of me yearned to create a baby the way my parents, grandparents and every other generation in my family had always made babies: the old-fashioned way.
 
How his daddy practiced sticking needles into an orange — said to resemble the flesh on my backside, thank you very much — to learn how to give me hormone injections that would stimulate egg production.
 
I could describe how his father mapped out, ahead of time, our entire route home from the medical center, noting every bump and pot hole. And how Randy filled our car's passenger seat with pillows so that we could gingerly make our way home after the embryo transfer without disturbing what we hoped was a miracle happening inside of me.
 
And I could explain how, through the process of making a baby with the help of strangers, his daddy and I developed a sense of humor that got us through experiences such as Randy's trip to the “donation room” and my hour spent on the “tilt table,” my feet higher than my head, after the fertilized eggs were placed in my uterus.
 
What I most want Matthew to know is that he was wanted as much as any child has ever been wanted. That while his conception was far from a private act, it was filled with great reverence and love. I want to tell him that lying in bed at home and holding hands with his daddy the night after my eggs were retrieved — while praying that a strong, healthy embryo was forming eight miles away in that petri dish — was one of the most moving experiences of my life.
 
I want him to be able to picture his father experiencing something that most dads will never get to do: Standing in a quiet, darkened room while looking through a microscope and seeing the six fat cells that would become his son, just before the doctor placed those cells inside me.
 
And I want him to know that my heart nearly burst as I watched him sing “One Small Child, One Tiny Child” with the children’s choir at Christmas when he was only five years old. Because I couldn't help but remember that bringing our own small child home from the hospital, on Christmas Day 1995, was the most incredible gift his daddy and I will ever receive.
 
Yes, Matthew has outgrown superhero lunch boxes. And he’s got even the high-tech birds-and-bees stuff figured out. But his dad and I want him to know more than just “the facts.” We want him to understand his family’s own special story of how he came into our lives — everything from his mom doin’ the happy dance in the bathroom to his dad lovingly placing all those pillows just so. Most of all, we want Matthew to know that while he came to us with more than a little help from modern medicine — he also came straight from our hearts. And that’s something he just won’t find on Google.

Hey McDonald's: Your New Pitch Doesn't Cut It For This Mom

I know McDonald's is trying to court the young-adult crowd with its new radio ad featuring an insipid-sounding young woman exclaiming "OMG!" in regard to meeting her girlfriends at Mickey D's for coffee and gossip. But as a mom, I have to speak up. (After all, McDonald's is also going after the parents of young kids, constantly, right?)

I have always taught my son, from the time he was a preschooler, the importance of not taking God's name in vain. And there are certainly better ways to mention God than exclaiming "OMG!" about coffee. I'm no over-the-top parent who writes letters to the editor and cancels magazine subscriptions over every little thing. But this ad offends me, and I don't think it's a help to parents to have it playing on the radio. As a company that markets to families as well as to young adults, McDonald's should keep this in mind.

And for what it's worth, In 'N Out has MUCH better burgers...

If you'd like to let McDonald's know how you feel about this ad, click here.

Get Your Embarrassing Questions Answered Here!

By the time most of us become moms, we've been through so many medical procedures that we're not easily embarrassed. But still. Sometimes we have a question, especially when it comes to gyno issues and sexual health, that's tough to ask — even when we have a doctor we like and trust.

Fortunately Health.com has created a terrific Healthy Living: Sex and Relationships section that covers new info about the pill, how much sex is normal for a couple, orgasm myths and a lot more. Intrigued? There's even a Boob Blog, which features stuff like eating for breast health.

And yes, I know. A few guys will stumble onto this blog post because they Googled the word "boob." But it's all good. Maybe they'll head over to Health.com and pick up a few tips.

Spilling the Beans: These Moms Dish About What Motherhood is REALLY Like

What do you know now that you wish you knew before becoming a parent? Thirty one moms (and one dad) tell all in a wonderful new book, The Mothering Heights Manual for Motherhood.

This collection of essays is edited by Christine Fugate, who began writing her syndicated column, "Mothering Heights," after marrying and having two kids within a 20-month period. (Just reading that sentence makes me want to take a nap. How does she do all that AND write a column AND edit a book?)

The essays are honest, and many are a hoot. My favorite is a piece by Cynthia Jenkins (AKA "Sugar Mama") called "Fertilizer." (Named for the description someone gave for the taste of her her meatloaf, thank you very much.) She talks about how she had assumed she'd tackle motherhood just like her own mom did, right down to wearing big earrings and jingly bracelets. (The bracelets drove her crazy almost immediately. Who can chase kids wearing those things? OK, other than Cynthia's mom.)

Turns out each mom has to find her own image, her own meatloaf recipe — and her own recipe for happy mothering. Reading these essays (a bit at a time before passing out each night after long days of working, running to baseball games, supervising homework and watching "Mary Poppins" play rehearsals), I realized that we moms really are all in this together. And reading about other moms' experiences can not only give us a good chuckle — it lets us know we're not alone when the meatloaf's awful, the baby's screaming and the disposal just started spewing something funny-smelling.  

Time to Fess Up, Mom!

Over at MommaSaid.net, it's time to enter the "You Deserve a Day Off" TrueMom Confessays™ contest. The deadline is June 22nd at noon ET, so start writing or videotaping! You just might win a $250 spa gift basket or a gift certificate from SpaAddicts.com.

MommaSaid.net has teamed up with TrueMomConfessions.com to celebrate "Please Take My Children to Work Day" with a contest designed to make moms laugh. Share your stories of the craziest thing you've ever done in the name of motherhood!

P.S. Check out this great video Confessay from Jen Singer of MommaSaid.net:

Thanks, Mr. Russert

What a sad day. Tim Russert died this morning at the way-too-young age of 58. I can't think of any political journalist who did the job with more integrity, enthusiasm or pure joy.

We're talking about a man I've had Sunday-morning breakfast with for years. My son, Matt, has grown up with Meet The Press and Russert, gaining a real appreciation for politics and government in large part because Russert made it all seem so interesting, so exciting.

During the 2000 presidential election, it was a hoot to see 4-year-old Matt — who for weeks had been paying particular attention to Russert and his ever-present white board — getting excited and saying “It all comes down to Ohio, Ohio, Ohio!”

Russert's enthusiasm for, and interest in, the upcoming presidential election was infectious, and I can't imagine him not being a part of it to the finish. Yes, CNN has John King and his amazing electronic board, but give me Russert and his little white board and wipe-off markers any day.

As a journalist, I thank you, Mr. Russert, for setting the bar high and for being a great example for young people entering this business.

And thank you for helping my son learn — and care — more about our country and its government. I'll be thinking of you a lot during this election season. And on election night, you'll be on the minds of many of us, because something won't be quite right without you there — even if it doesn't all come down to "Ohio, Ohio, Ohio."

Party On With Bill Nye The Science Guy

Looking for a fun and different way to invite guests to your kid's next birthday party (especially if the party has a space, bugs or reptile theme)? Check out these e-cards at Bill Nye The Science Guy's way-cool website.

While you're there, you can introduce the kids to Nye's fun experiments and videos. We took Matthew and a friend to meet this wacky guy a few years back, and I heard him talk with the kids. I'll tell you, I was never much of a science nut in school, but everything he did and talked about was fascinating! He really brings science to life and makes it a blast.

Gas Prices Got You Down? Vacation at Home

Wondering how high airline ticket prices will go as you're planning that family vacation? Thinking that a driving trip will break the bank?

There's another option. Check out my article, "Vacationing at Home," over at littlerockfamily.com. You'll find lots of tips for making family memories right in your own backyard. (And I promise, this doesn't involve mom doing any dishes! I mean, there are limits, right?)

Of course, vacationing at home still means VACATIONING. I highly recommend going out for yummy breakfasts at every opportunity... And for the price of a tank of gas these days, you can buy a lot of banana pancakes with whipped cream!

"Mommying Your Husband" Hits a Nerve

I was jazzed to see that my post yesterday, about a CNN.com article on "mommying your husband" is now #12 on the Hot List over at Cafemom.com. (See the Cafe Mom post and comments here.) The women commenting over there are talking about everything from making their husband's lunch to setting out his vitamins to making all his appointments.

But I really like Jen Singer's comments on yesterday's post here:

"Okay, that's insane. And it's ruining it for the rest of us. About 15 years ago, my husband wore too-casual shoes to a wedding. When his sister and her friends discovered he'd underdressed for the event, they blamed ME. Huh? He's a grown man. I don't dress him like a Ken doll to take him out."

Do You Mommy Your Husband?

We women are used to mommying our kids. Making sure they eat right, lovingly (most of the time) nagging them to do their homework, packing little love notes in their school lunches.

But do you mommy your husband? I loved this article on CNN.com about women who cater to their husbands' every need, from washing his back in the shower to cutting up his meat! (OK, that last one is just too weird.)

Randy and I joke that we "go with our strengths" in our marriage. He answers questions when Matt needs help with his pre-algebra homework. I do most of the phone calling, from RSVPing for invitations to calling a plumber for an overflowing toilet.

So I definitely do take some of Randy's least-favorite to-do items off his plate. But mommy him? I don't think so. (Gosh, if I ever cut up his meat he'd have me committed...)

Check out the article here. Then let us know if you're mommying YOUR husband.

Need a Little Gossip? Just Go to the Grocery Store

It's official. We no longer need soap operas on TV. Want juicy tales of marital cheating, embarrassing (or so you'd think) medical problems, and local gossip? Just walk the aisles of your neighborhood grocery store.

Lately I've overheard — from women talking on cell phones loudly enough to be heard all the way from the granola bars to the Raisin Bran —  all the details about how one mom hates her kid's baseball coach, how another's husband is cheating on her, and how a third is trying to find the right vaginal-itch cream.

Please, people! I'm just trying to buy some bananas. Do I need to hear all the intimate details of your life? (And forget about me. What if your kid's coach or your child's teacher is shopping just one aisle over?)

Of course, the worst part is that many of these people (and, sadly, the vast majority of these yackers seem to be women) have young children in the shopping cart, hearing every word they say. Don't they realize these little people are sponges? That they have ears?

It's so tempting to go up to these women and say something, but what would you say? "Have you talked with a therapist?" "Can I recommend a good gynecologist?" "Was that your coach's wife I just saw in the produce section?"

Check Out My Guest Post at The Simple Marriage Project

I'm excited to be invited to share a guest post over at The Simple Marriage Project today. This blog offers so many inspirational ideas for making marriage better — and a lot more fun.

I haven't yet tried the "21-Day Complaint-Free Marriage Experiment," because, really now, how long would I last? I'm guessing I'd catch myself in a whine of some sort by mid-afternoon on day one.

But maybe that's the point of the experiment: To make myself more mindful of my attitudes and my words. If I give it a shot, I'll let you know. And if you try the experiment yourself, let us know over here how it's going.

And please drop by and check out my guest post, too! Thanks, Corey, for the kind invitation.

Fun Optical Illusions for the Whole Family

I love it when I learn about a website or video that's entertaining and that also teaches something cool. Optical-illusion expert Jerry Andress will amaze you and your kids with this YouTube video showing how what we see depends on how our brain interprets things. Check it out.

Jessica Alba's Pregnancy Style

The folks over at SporkFashion.com scored a fun interview recently. They talked with Jessica Alba about how pregnancy changed her style.  Check out the interview here.

I have to admit that, looking at her, I don't feel all that stylish when I think back to my own maternity clothes. But I love how she talks about taking her skinny jeans (and these are skinny jeans; scroll down on the Spork blog page to see them) and turning them into maternity jeans. She also takes a mini dress and wears it as a top.

While we non-celebrity moms may not be wearing all the latest designer-label ($$$) maternity clothes, we can steal some great tips from this mom-to-be who always looks fabulous. (And I love that Alba mentions that her shoes no longer fit! Boy, can we all relate to that or what?)

Here's Help for Restless Legs Syndrome

Why talk about restless legs syndrome (RLS) in a blog for parents? Because many pregnant women experience RLS symptoms, especially after the 20th week. Children can have the condition, too.

It's bit tough to describe to anyone who hasn't experienced it, but people with RLS often describe it as an unbearably tingly, creepy or even painful feeling deep within the legs.

It's not technically a sleep disorder, but because it often keeps people awake and contributes to big-time insomnia, it is often lumped into this category and is studied by sleep experts.

Happily, the folks at Health.com have put together a wonderful collection of resources on RLS, including terrific videos that explain RLS symptoms, talk about treatment options and much more. Check it out here.

And please help spread the word. The more people know about RLS, the more we can do to encourage research into this condition, which disrupts the lives of so many people.

 

Innocence Lost

"Don't say anything."

My husband placed his hand on my arm as the trio sat down right in front of us in the movie theater at our local mall: a couple and a little girl, about 6, who seemed focused on her popcorn. But the R-rated movie we were watching soon grabbed her full attention.

I bit my tongue, but my insides squirmed as she flinched at scenes that were tough even for adults to watch: a whacked-out teenage girl in a filthy motel room, selling her body for drugs. A man digging his own grave, at gunpoint, before being shot in the head.

When the girl finally fell asleep, I thought of my own son, who still calls out to me in the night when he’s awakened by bad dreams.

What hideous dreams will that little girl be having? And after this night, what could possibly be “too much” for her? Why trouble yourself with holding the line on innocence at all, when your 6-year-old has just been shown how to freebase cocaine?

And these days, it starts much younger than 6. In fact, the sex-and-violence train starts steaming down the track as early as 3 or 4. When my son, Matthew, was in preschool, a 4-year-old boy in his class liked to sing Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” (“I like big butts and I can not lie...”), declaring it his “favorite MTV video.” In kindergarten, several of Matthew’s classmates talked of playing blood-and-guts video games. And in a recent report, ACNielsen listed “Desperate Housewives” as the most-watched television show for 9- to 12-year-olds.

When exposure to sexually explicit material starts so young, what does it take to entertain a teenager? Singer Naomi Judd found out the hard way. A few years ago, Judd was accused of assaulting a male stripper at a Brentwood, Tennessee restaurant, the local paper, The Tennessean, reported. She was upset at seeing the man straddling a teenage girl, police said. Judd reportedly said she placed her hand on the man’s shoulder to tell him to stop, and he lost his balance and fell.

Silly Naomi. Turns out the stripper had been hired by the girl’s parents as a present for her 18th birthday.

While experts certainly fret about youngsters’ exposure to sex, the disturbing increase in school shootings has focused their attention on violence. The American Academy of Pediatrics, along with three other prestigious medical groups, has declared that “viewing violence can lead to increases in aggressive attitudes, values and behaviors, particularly in children” and can cause “emotional desensitization toward violence in real life.”

Less than a week after seeing that R-rated movie, I witnessed this desensitization myself. A murder had taken place in the parking lot of that same upscale mall. A young man allegedly stabbed a 66-year-old woman during a robbery, at lunchtime, in front of several stunned shoppers. The T.V. news showed the woman’s sunglasses and one high-heeled shoe lying on the ground, surrounded by blood and yellow police tape.

A few days later, I spoke to a teenager who works at the mall.

“You must be pretty upset by that woman’s murder,” I said.

“Well, I know this will sound bad,” she replied. “But it’s not like I knew her personally or anything.”

How have our children become so numb to violence that the blood of a fellow human being, staining the asphalt just steps from where she works, can leave so little impression on a 16-year-old girl?

True, most kids don’t wind up in jail. Don’t shoot their classmates. Don’t become pregnant at 12 because of something they saw at the local megaplex back when they still believed in the tooth fairy. But when parents allow a preschooler to memorize lines such as “Watchin’ these bimbos walkin’ like ho’s,” there’s something wrong. When parents care more about catching a popular new movie than about protecting their first-grader from graphic violence, we’ve lost our way. When a 16-year-old is so jaded that the new shipment of Prada handbags gets her heart pumping more than the news of a woman’s stabbing ever could, we’ve reached an all-time low.

Maybe I should have risked embarrassment and stood up for that little girl in the theater before she had to watch a man get shot in the head at point-blank range. Maybe every parent in that room should have said something or done something. But we didn’t.

After all, it’s not like we knew her personally or anything.

Protect Your Child From Identity Theft

When my son was in elementary school, we used the Internet to look up facts on dinosaurs, earthquakes and Benjamin Franklin for school reports. But now, as a sixth grader, Matt is starting to dip his toe into the social aspects of the Internet, such as e-mail and instant messaging. I’m sure he’ll be wanting to check out Facebook or MySpace before long. (Although I’m certainly not pushing it!)

Of course, we’ve had conversations about the importance not posting personal information on the Web, for safety’s sake. But now the Federal Trade Commission is urging kids to avoid posting personal information for another important reason: identify theft. The problem isn’t just for adults anymore, they say.

PROTECTING CHILDREN’S INFO ONLINE

According to the FTC, identity theft from victims age 18 and younger increased from 6,512 in 2003 to 10,835 in 2006. (These figures are based on formal complaints only, so actual incidences of identity theft are higher.) In 2003, about 3 percent of identity-theft victims were younger than 18. By 2006, the figure had risen to 5 percent.

The “friends-of-friends” aspect of social-networking sites allows pre-teens and teens to provide information about themselves that can now travel far beyond the kids they know. And these sites can increase our kids’ exposure to people who have criminal intentions. The FTC and other online-safety experts (see below) suggest these tips for socializing safely on the Web:

°     Know the potential audience. Think about how different sites work before deciding to join a social-networking site. Some sites will allow only a particular community of users to access posted content. Others allow everybody and his brother to view postings.

°     Encourage your child to think about keeping control over the information she posts. She might consider restricting access to a select group of people, such as her buddies from school, a club, a team or a community group.

°    Keep critical information private. Tell your child to never post his full name, Social Security number, address, phone number or bank and credit-card account numbers — and don’t post other people’s information, either.

°    Keep screen names vague. Make sure your child’s screen name doesn’t say too much about her. Kids shouldn’t use their name, age or hometown on social-networking sites.

°    Remind kids that posted material never disappears.  Once your child posts information online, he can’t take it back. Even if he deletes the information from a site, older versions exist on other people’s computers.

THESE ORGANIZATIONS CAN HELP

To learn more about avoiding identity theft online, check out the following organizations:

°    i-SAFE — Endorsed by the U.S. Congress, i-SAFE is a non-profit foundation dedicated to protecting young people on the Web. The site incorporates classroom curriculum with community outreach to empower students, teachers, parents and law enforcement to make the Internet a safer place.

°    National Cyber Security Alliance — This non-profit organization provides tools and resources to help keep kids (and adults) safe online. NCSA members include the Department of Homeland Security, the FTC and many private-sector corporations and organizations.

°    Staysafe — This educational site helps consumers manage online safety and security issues.

°    Wired Safety — This group is made up of volunteers around the world. Wired Safety provides education and assistance on all aspects of cybercrime and abuse, privacy, security and responsible technology use.

°    Federal Trade Commission — To file a complaint or to get information on consumer issues, visit the website or call toll-free 877-382-4357. The FTC enters Internet, telemarketing, identity-theft and other fraud-related complaints into Consumer Sentinel, a secure, online database available to hundreds of civil and criminal law-enforcement agencies in the U.S. and abroad.

°    GetNetWise — This is a public service sponsored by Internet-industry corporations and public-interest organizations to help ensure that Internet users are protected.

°    Internet Keep Safe Coalition —  This site, the home of Faux Paw the Techno Cat, was created by a coalition of 49 governors, law-enforcement agencies, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics and other associations dedicated to providing tools and guidelines to teach children to use technology safely.

OTHER WAYS TO AVOID KIDS’ IDENTITY THEFT

Experts at Experian, one of the three major credit bureaus, note that child identity theft can go undetected for years because it often isn’t discovered until the victim applies for credit, tries to rent an apartment or tries to open a bank account. There are things you can do to protect your child against identity theft offline, too:

°    Don't let kids carry their Social Security cards in their wallets. These cards should always be stored in a safe place.

°    Keep your child’s magazine subscriptions under your name, not his. This helps prevent your child's name from appearing on mailing lists.

°    Pay attention if your child starts receiving junk mail. If your 12-year-old suddenly begins receiving credit-card invitations in her name, it may mean that her personal information has been compromised.

°    If someone insists he needs your child's Social Security number, verify that he really needs it. I have started questioning this practice at doctors’ offices, and have refused to give out my family’s Social Security numbers to be used as patient identification numbers. When I explain my reason for refusing, most staff members have been understanding. Some have even said “Gosh, I guess I shouldn’t give mine out at my doctor’s offices!”

Are You Taking The Bait?

Today we're featuring a terrific guest post from family therapist Corey Allan, Ph.D. who blogs over at The Simple Marriage Project. Corey and his wife, who celebrated their 15th anniversary this month, have a 3-year-old daughter and a 1-year-old son. (And a cool dog named Otis — see below.) Thanks for sharing this with us, Corey!

Spend any time with a parent, and you are bound to hear tales of his or her children's escapades. Stories about when they said the most inappropriate thing at the most inopportune time, when they continue to test the boundaries and rules, or when they've thrown a tantrum at Target. It's enough to drive almost anyone crazy. Take comfort in knowing that you're not alone.

Parents worldwide have gone through or are currently in the midst of the storm as well. Take advantage of the times when you can swap stories with other parents in the trenches. It can be hilarious, enlightening — and you may walk away from the conversation thankful for your children's "tame" behavior.

Have you ever stopped to contemplate your role in your child's behaviors? Could it be that they feed off you? I believe the answer is yes.

Applying this thought to parenting is the way to begin to gain control over your child's behaviors. And the most effective way to do this is to get a better handle on your own emotional reactivity.

Let me explain. You come in after a long day and your child is in a bad mood due to a run-in he had with his teacher at school. You are already predisposed to reacting badly to any negative behaviors due to your tough day, and your child decides this is the best time to inform you that he did not do any of the chores you assigned him for the week. He even goes so far as to add a few colorful descriptions to his replies.

Do you take the bait and jump all over his disrespectful attitude? If you do, you've allowed him to change the topic of conversation, which was his incomplete chores. It's easy to react when our buttons get pushed, but it is also the way they kids the subject. And they only get more expert at this skill as they grow older.

When it comes to arguments with another person, especially children and teenagers, the rule is this: Whoever controls the mood and the direction of the argument will win the argument.

My belief is that if, as a parent, you get into an argument with your child, they've already won. While they may not have changed the responsibility or the consequence, the fact that you had to argue about it keeps the "power" in their court. They controlled you by pushing your emotional buttons. When our emotions get the best of us in conversations, most people either over-react or shut down completely — leaving a possible wake of damage behind.

To take charge of your child's behaviors, learn to react less emotionally to their instigations. It will change the dynamic between you and leave them wondering what to do next. After you have learned to react less, you are then more capable of creating an appropriate consequence for the behavior.

As a parent, you're not raising puppies. You don't have to catch your child in the act. Take some time to contemplate an appropriate consequence. Confer with your spouse. Search the Internet. Then get back with your child and calmly inform them of the consequences of their actions.

Do this consistently and over time, you will be in charge of the playing field in which your children reside. There will also be far less damage repair needed after the emotional upheavals.

Incidentally, the principles of being less emotionally reactive work with spouses as well.

Check Out My New Health Column, "Boo-Boos, Germs & Pap Smears" on MommaSaid.net

I excited to share the news that I'm the new family health columnist over at one of my favorite sites, MommaSaid.net. Visit "Boo-Boos, Germs & Pap Smears" on the home page under "What's New in Linger."

You'll also find columnist Mary Collette Rogers writing about everyday good eating; you'll enjoy words of wisdom from Karen Bannan, the "Natural-as-Possible" mom; you'll fall off your noodle for Judy Gruen's "Off My Noodle: Carb-Free Humor for the Mom on the Go;" and you'll find parent-friendly movie reviews by Jane Louise Boursaw in "Reel Life With Jane."

Mia Geiger writes the "Read 'Em & Reap" column, focusing on children's books related to mothering. Brette Sember, who writes the "Parenting Together Apart" column, discusses everything you need to know for parenting after separation and divorce. And Apryl Chapman Thomas shares terrific traveling-with-kids tips in "Have Children, Will Travel."

But wait, there's more! "Make Payable to Mom" by Gwen Moran; "Lean Green Family" by Leah Ingram; "Bringing Up Geeks" by Marybeth Hicks; "Pulse on Parenting" by Lynne Ticknor; "Buzz on the Birds & Bees" by Melanie Davis" and "Teen Wise" by Pamela Oldham. There's something here for every parent, no matter how old your kids are. (Well, OK, I don't see a "Geezer Parenting" column — yet!)

I'm so happy to be in the company of these terrific columnists, and I hope you'll stop by MommaSaid.net to see what's new!